The first annual "Damn, girl! You don' FINE WORK: Cutie McBooty/Hottie With a Body" Awards
In a world marred by ugliness-- disease, Scientology, and an over abundance of Disney Channel Original Movie Nostalgia-- it would behoove us to observe and honor beauty and those who embody it both INSIDE AND OUT #I'mNotThatShallow.
The end of 2019 has presented me with the righteous call to honor the fine-ass gorgeous ladies who have brought joy to my year-- any where from periodic happy sprinkles to fantastic deluges and cataracts of pure explosive ecstasy.
The criteria for making this list are a bit nebulous and oh so very subjective. Really, I just wanted to honor the great women who managed to regularly give me visceral and instantaneous reflexive reactions of admiration, hence the name of this prestigious honor, The first annual Damn, girl! You doin' FINE WORK: Cutie McBooty/Hottie With a Body Awards.
Before I present you with my list, here are this year's honorable mentions:
a. Becky G
b. Emma Stone
c. Erin Moriarty
d. Samara Weaving
e. Margot Robbie
f. Anya Chalotra
The illustrious recipients are:
5. Tessa Thomspson
Described to me by a friend as "picante," Tessa Thompson's countenance elicits a genuine joy. One look in her eyes makes you believe in yourself in ways which, until now, Mr. Rogers was only about to accomplish. One look at her shoulders makes you feel that her strong embrace would envelop and protect you as she jumped into the stratosphere-- with you nuzzled in her arms-- keeping you safe, sound, and aroused as you embarked together on your many adventures.
It also doesn't hurt that she can tap into her more dangerous side.......
Thank you, Tessa, for your sultry eye-brow wiggles which never fail to make me feel like I matter!
4. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
For some reason, people don't like, my girl, AOC. Let's face it, most of them probably lack any semblance of a soul, and probably go to bed at night praying to Satan's chief disciple, Tom Cruise, while sullying God's dear gift of imagination with impure thoughts revolving Sean Hannity and a pack of Care Bears.
I fell in love with Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez's bark, bite, and and her natural mastery of dance.
It only helps that this belle of the Bronx seems to stir up consternation among those who detract from her progressive values. There is little more in this world which makes my spine all a-quiver while my blood flows and my heart sings than radical environmental advocacy and women who inspire national rage.
Keep it up, Congresswoman, you may have to run for reelection every two years to keep your seat, but you'll always have jurisdiction over my heart.
3. Diana Silvers
I discovered Diana Silvers in Tate Taylor's Ma-- objectively the second greatest movie released in 2019-- and she continued to razzle, dazzle, and frazzle me in her performances in Booksmart and this one post in her Instagram story where she lip-synced to "Rockin' Robin." I would tweedly-deedly, tweedly-deedly-dee all night with you, girl!
I look forward to seeing more from Silvers in Netflix's Space Force, and Tate Taylor's next film, Ava. Congratulations, Diana, on usurping the place in my heart previously owned by Anne Hathaway! If God is just, you too will have the opportunity to play Catwoman and star in a wholesome feel-good comedy with Robert DeNiro.
2. Alex Morgan
I will never love soccer. I will always love obnoxious American patriotism, and shoving our gigantic freedom-loving egos into the face of every limey European.
I've always gone giggly and googly-eyed for hot American athletes. Unfortunately, my limitations as a heterosexual male have allowed me to profess my infatuation for Tom Brady's jaw, Jay Cutler's pure sexual energy, Kris Bryant's eyes, and Javier Baez's athletic prowess and finely chiseled physique, but my lack of engagement in women's sports left me without an athlete to truly pine over while giving me an assurance that somewhere a parallel universe must exist in which my dashing looks and the proverbial "her's" mastery of sport were combined to create super-children who would one live out all of my childhood athletic fantasies.
All of this seemed impossible until this princess of the pitch entered my life....
God bless backed-up cockiness, God bless a firm core, God bless America, and God bless Alex Morgan! Thank you for a wonderful 2019, Alex!
1. Ana de Armas
De Armas commandeers 2019's Knives Out with poise and charm-- yes, she spends most of the film as a charming, yet predominately intimidated heroine, but damn it all if she just isn't the essence of likable!
Ultimately, de Armas has takes the top of this list because of her range. Her unassuming Marta is perfectly fine, but it's her ability to take on a role of that nature and reinvigorate my excitement for James Bond after her brief appearance in the first No Time to Die trailer featuring her Master Chief-worthy dual wielding abilities. We know God is good because he has gifted us with that midnight blue gown, that impeccable neckline, and the woman who will supplant Lea Seydoux and win the award of best Bond girl since Eva Green. There aren't really any No Time To Die gifs available yet, so please enjoy this shot from de Armas in Knock Out:
Ana de Armas was the last woman to be discovered by me in preparation for this post, so strangely enough, I know the least about her among all of these phenomenal winners, despite her taking the #1 spot. I can't really use logic to justify place on this list-- I only contend that she has done something to make my heart flutter in a ways which years of over consumption of sugar and trans-fats can only do, despite the fact that, you know, we haven't really met.
However, that's really the point of this prestigious honor-- let's throw logic, reasoning, and all other pretenses out the window, and let's De Armas and all of these recipients for the pleasure and joy which they have brought me this year.
I'm sure you'll make the list again in 2020, Ana, because I cannot deny:
Damn girl! You doin' fine work!
The end of 2019 has presented me with the righteous call to honor the fine-ass gorgeous ladies who have brought joy to my year-- any where from periodic happy sprinkles to fantastic deluges and cataracts of pure explosive ecstasy.
The criteria for making this list are a bit nebulous and oh so very subjective. Really, I just wanted to honor the great women who managed to regularly give me visceral and instantaneous reflexive reactions of admiration, hence the name of this prestigious honor, The first annual Damn, girl! You doin' FINE WORK: Cutie McBooty/Hottie With a Body Awards.
Before I present you with my list, here are this year's honorable mentions:
a. Becky G
b. Emma Stone
c. Erin Moriarty
d. Samara Weaving
e. Margot Robbie
f. Anya Chalotra
The illustrious recipients are:
5. Tessa Thomspson
Described to me by a friend as "picante," Tessa Thompson's countenance elicits a genuine joy. One look in her eyes makes you believe in yourself in ways which, until now, Mr. Rogers was only about to accomplish. One look at her shoulders makes you feel that her strong embrace would envelop and protect you as she jumped into the stratosphere-- with you nuzzled in her arms-- keeping you safe, sound, and aroused as you embarked together on your many adventures.
It also doesn't hurt that she can tap into her more dangerous side.......
Thank you, Tessa, for your sultry eye-brow wiggles which never fail to make me feel like I matter!
4. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
For some reason, people don't like, my girl, AOC. Let's face it, most of them probably lack any semblance of a soul, and probably go to bed at night praying to Satan's chief disciple, Tom Cruise, while sullying God's dear gift of imagination with impure thoughts revolving Sean Hannity and a pack of Care Bears.
I fell in love with Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez's bark, bite, and and her natural mastery of dance.
It only helps that this belle of the Bronx seems to stir up consternation among those who detract from her progressive values. There is little more in this world which makes my spine all a-quiver while my blood flows and my heart sings than radical environmental advocacy and women who inspire national rage.
Keep it up, Congresswoman, you may have to run for reelection every two years to keep your seat, but you'll always have jurisdiction over my heart.
3. Diana Silvers
I discovered Diana Silvers in Tate Taylor's Ma-- objectively the second greatest movie released in 2019-- and she continued to razzle, dazzle, and frazzle me in her performances in Booksmart and this one post in her Instagram story where she lip-synced to "Rockin' Robin." I would tweedly-deedly, tweedly-deedly-dee all night with you, girl!
I look forward to seeing more from Silvers in Netflix's Space Force, and Tate Taylor's next film, Ava. Congratulations, Diana, on usurping the place in my heart previously owned by Anne Hathaway! If God is just, you too will have the opportunity to play Catwoman and star in a wholesome feel-good comedy with Robert DeNiro.
2. Alex Morgan
I will never love soccer. I will always love obnoxious American patriotism, and shoving our gigantic freedom-loving egos into the face of every limey European.
I've always gone giggly and googly-eyed for hot American athletes. Unfortunately, my limitations as a heterosexual male have allowed me to profess my infatuation for Tom Brady's jaw, Jay Cutler's pure sexual energy, Kris Bryant's eyes, and Javier Baez's athletic prowess and finely chiseled physique, but my lack of engagement in women's sports left me without an athlete to truly pine over while giving me an assurance that somewhere a parallel universe must exist in which my dashing looks and the proverbial "her's" mastery of sport were combined to create super-children who would one live out all of my childhood athletic fantasies.
All of this seemed impossible until this princess of the pitch entered my life....
God bless backed-up cockiness, God bless a firm core, God bless America, and God bless Alex Morgan! Thank you for a wonderful 2019, Alex!
1. Ana de Armas
De Armas commandeers 2019's Knives Out with poise and charm-- yes, she spends most of the film as a charming, yet predominately intimidated heroine, but damn it all if she just isn't the essence of likable!
Ultimately, de Armas has takes the top of this list because of her range. Her unassuming Marta is perfectly fine, but it's her ability to take on a role of that nature and reinvigorate my excitement for James Bond after her brief appearance in the first No Time to Die trailer featuring her Master Chief-worthy dual wielding abilities. We know God is good because he has gifted us with that midnight blue gown, that impeccable neckline, and the woman who will supplant Lea Seydoux and win the award of best Bond girl since Eva Green. There aren't really any No Time To Die gifs available yet, so please enjoy this shot from de Armas in Knock Out:
Ana de Armas was the last woman to be discovered by me in preparation for this post, so strangely enough, I know the least about her among all of these phenomenal winners, despite her taking the #1 spot. I can't really use logic to justify place on this list-- I only contend that she has done something to make my heart flutter in a ways which years of over consumption of sugar and trans-fats can only do, despite the fact that, you know, we haven't really met.
However, that's really the point of this prestigious honor-- let's throw logic, reasoning, and all other pretenses out the window, and let's De Armas and all of these recipients for the pleasure and joy which they have brought me this year.
I'm sure you'll make the list again in 2020, Ana, because I cannot deny:
Damn girl! You doin' fine work!
Comments
Post a Comment